Who Am I?
A Bit About Me
So, this is where I tell you a little bit about me. Honestly, I’m not crazy comfortable with this section. Sometimes (all the time?) I can go a little long and when it’s about myself, well, ugh. It's like taking a bunch of selfies. Uncomfortable.
Anyway, this is supposed to be my ‘resume type’ page. ‘A bio of the good stuff’ to paraphrase Google. The good stuff.
Anyway, this is supposed to be my ‘resume type’ page. ‘A bio of the good stuff’ to paraphrase Google. The good stuff.
So, okay. Here I go.
The best part of my resume? Jesus. I knew he was true when I was only 6 or so. At around 8, my Aunt Toni took me to church. They told me about salvation and I have never looked back. In the late 70's my dad and oldest brother Mark started earnestly seeking to find God. I followed their lead and began to develop a deeper relationship with my Savior. Admittedly at times I've not lived the life I was called to, living selfishly instead. But I've always believed and always known that he was a certainty. That he was for me. With me.
And there is more to my ‘best part.’ My family and my friends. After Jesus, they are by far the best part of me. Know that I say 'after Jesus' because without putting him first, I cannot be the wife or mother that God has called me to be. I am unapologetically a believer and it works daily to make me better for my family.
I do not have the usual degrees or doctorates to list, and I'm not an award-winning, well, anything. What I am is a child of God, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, a friend, and a co-worker. I have been crafted by a God who loves me and also by the unbelievably good, the bad, and the devastatingly sad that has occurred in my life. All of these things combine, to make me who I am as well as to drive me here today. To this website. To begin this new venture.
While this website is for my Grandson Yandi, it is also for the rest of my family as well. To chronicle our lives so that when the sad comes, and it always does eventually, there is a history of so much good to fall back on and with Jesus, to look forward to in the future. And these things also drive me to make this website for you. For all of us. This is better explained in the ‘Why Stories for Yandi’ section. But just know, this ‘A little bit about me’ is a lot about you.
Too many of us have lost a child. There is little I can say to make it better. My hope is that you’ve come to this website to find something. Perhaps a group of people who have been through what you have experienced. Or maybe some kind of place for all of us to share our pain. You are not alone.
The darkness that was encompassing on that awful day can be overwhelming. Almost everyone who will visit this website will understand that. It divides our lives into before and after. Forever.
You are not alone. Others have lived it. I have. And again, my ’About Me’ is really ’About Us.’ My attempt to help ease that relentless darkness that follows the loss of a child.
I know at times you feel utter hopelessness. Perhaps you do not want to be comforted. To some, it will sound odd, but there were days I didn’t want anyone to make me feel better. How could I feel any semblance of better? My son was suddenly and devastatingly taken from me. Almost two years later there are still days I refuse to accept or seek comfort.
This journey is raw and it can be relentless.
However, I am desperate that you know there is hope. That at some point, whether now or a year or two down the road, a time will come when you will be ready for a small sliver of light in the darkness. I want you to know that it does exist. To share who pulls me, sometimes daily, from the darkness. Who is real and surrounds me with hope. Jesus. The light in all darkness.
Perhaps you are currently railing against God. Or maybe crying out to Him. I understand both reactions. I’ve lived them. Many of us have. You are not alone. We all struggle with overwhelming sadness and emptiness.
So, my goal is that with this website, we share our pain, our anger, and our journeys through this darkness. But also, to share our hope as we find it, as well as stories and good memories of those we have lost. That we have a place to go to share our grief and to support one another. And most especially, to learn that there is a Savior who is with us even in the darkest times.
While the creation of this website is a reflection of who I am, here are a few more quick snippets. Small glimpses, but big parts of who I am:
• I love Jesus – who daily makes all things better. My Savior, Advocate, and Redeemer. My friend.
• I was born in 1964 and am currently 58 years old. Not sure how that happened but there it is.
• I’ve been married for 37 years to Chris – my cohort in innumerable adventures, and grumpy best friend who loves, supports, and protects me. He makes me laugh and pushes me to happy, even when I’m the grumpy one. On many Saturdays, he grudgingly agrees to dance with me around the kitchen, to a radio tune. One tune only please. We’re awful but we mostly laugh and always hold tight. Something we both need now more than ever (both the laughter and the holding tight).
• I am Jason’s Mom – my son, now in Heaven. He will forever be my firstborn son, the one who taught me what it was to love beyond myself. My sports buddy (Rock Chalk Jayhawk) who could answer almost any sports question I had (and I had a lot) and also the kid who whipped me almost every time at Jeopardy without any mercy. He pushed me gently, but persistently to accept maybe there was a better quarterback than Alex Smith. I've always been a big Alex fan but Jason was like 'Mom, we have a literal phenom setting on the bench.' I was skeptical. Who was this supposed phenom named Mahomes? Of course, he had the last laugh and as my son he relished in his 'I told you so,' and we are glad he was spot on. My Jason Matthew made me laugh and brought the happy. I miss him desperately.
• I am Jordan’s Mom – my youngest son, that I still call baby Jordan much to his 6'5" chagrin. He will forever be the peacemaker in the family. The one who loves me enough to worry about me. He makes me laugh when he calls me and helps entertain me on any one of my many work trips, during the long drive at night. He plays me in Wordle almost every day and introduces me to new games (Code Names) with great patience. To clarify, peacemaker unless he’s behind the wheel of a car because then all bets are off...
• I am Sam’s Mother-in-Law – Jordan’s sweet wife who makes our family better. She makes us all laugh when, out of the quiet that is Sam, the funniest comment of the night is calmly deadpanned and the quiet is then shattered with astonishment and more laughter. She brings her skinny, non-barking dogs over (A Corgi and Golden Retriever named Bread and Butter) who just by being there, make our chubby, yappy dogs stand out in a not so good way. She has become one of our family and it makes us so happy.
• I am Yandi’s Mimi – my awesome grandson, Jason’s son, and our little man. The apple of my eye is such an unpredictable part of our newly emerging family makeup. We all love Yandi. And he fits in like he’s been with us since the beginning. Love, laughter, and unpredictability all rolled up into one little guy. He argues with me about how old Michael Jackson would be if he were still alive. Michael Jackson’s age??? Exhibit A = unpredictability. You never know what you will be discussing, in earnest, or having to Google, when Yandi is in the room. Another glimpse into that unpredictability are his dresser drawers. He recently organized them more to his liking which did NOT include any clothes as you can see in the pictures below and a hilarious surprise I stumbled across when putting away his clothes. Spontaneous Nerf gun battles ensue often in our home when Yandi comes to visit and as you can see, he is well prepared. (We have a lot as the entire family sometimes participates during family gatherings). We sure love that little guy.
• I am Morgan’s Aunt – my niece and friend who pushes me to be better. She shares good reads and snap shots of new leaves on her plants, as well as articles on how I might actually keep a succulent alive, even though she is highly skeptical. She gently guides me into clothes that are not from a decade (or three) ago. She loves me enough to tell me I am no good at 'Code Names' (mentioned above) and doesn’t hesitate to share her utter frustration and disgust with me when we are on the same team. Definitely going to have to find a game I'm actually good at......
• I am Jessica’s friend – Yandi's Mom who will forever be a part of our family. A world-class Mom who gives me peace about the love and support that surround Yandi at home. I can’t begin to tell you what that’s worth and I can’t imagine what I would do without her. We not only love her, but we are also all so grateful to God for putting her in our family.
• Chris and I are part of a wonderful body of Christ at Cross Road Church. The church as a whole and especially our life group, continue to help us navigate through the emotional roller coaster of losing Jason. They pray for us, teach us, push us, and speak the truth to us, even when it’s difficult. They make us laugh and we deeply love these people. They accept our flaws and open their arms regardless. They even let me work at the greeting center one Sunday a month. I find this to be very brave of them, though I must brag that to date, no one has run screaming from the desk. I'm calling that a win though admittedly I am still very new at it.
• I am also a Regional Manager for a Wholesale Building Materials Company and get to work with a whole team of people who are exceptional co-workers, and good friends with many like family. Concerning this company, I have posted on my Linked In Account ‘The most difficult company I’ve ever worked for, and the most rewarding.’ True statement. 95% hard work, learning, growing, and happy. 5% I want to beat my laptop against the edge of the desk and then throw it through a window, preferably closed so I get the satisfaction of hearing more chaos when the window sash breaks. (I know it’s a sash because I work for a building materials company). A company of people who have gifted me with more than I can ever share. A really good company. I am so blessed to have stumbled into their world.
Finally, please know that the most important part of my 'about me' is the fact that I am one who lives daily in the hope that comes from a deep, loving relationship with Jesus. It is real and it has saved me. Not only for eternity but for the here and now. For today. Without him, I have no idea how I could have begun to find any hope once again. Any peace. That is my ‘About Me.’
That’s who I am.